You know, it’s actually been a while since I reviewed anything that isn’t anime.  So I figured I should go ahead and do just that, you know, so a while back my family and I went shopping at Target, and we wound up buying some movies;  Tangled, Rise of the Guardians, and Coraline, but I also bought some other things like another season of DBZ, and it was then and there as we were just about to finish shopping, when what should I see but the cult-classic cartoon ‘Super Mario Bros Super Show!’

It’s something that is frequently used in Youtube Poops, so naturally, I was excited. Very excited, in fact. I decided to take it home with me and yesterday I popped it in my laptop to watch the episode: Rollin’ down the River. So I shall now go ahead and transcribe my thoughts and feelings on this episode, as well as any critiques I might have.

Well, we were kind of disappointed with Rise of the Guardians, but it was kiddie fare, so it was still a good film, just kinda average. Coraline was amazing, personally, and Tangled was good.

It’s hard to believe, huh? You’re very lucky if you can get a copy of this show, it’s like the Zelda CDi. But apparently, they’re releasing the episodes so you can collect them! Awesome, huh? Would the Legend of Zelda cartoon be with it as well (turns out they cut out both the live action scenes and the cartoon of Zelda and split them up)

Now the back of the box, the episode titles seem very unoriginal and hackneyed, with titles like ‘Rollin’ down the river,’ ‘Pirates of the Koopa’, Mario of the Deep, and the worst has to be ‘20,000 Koopas under the sea.’ I mean, why didn’t anyone sue them for copyright infringement? That title sounds way too close to 20,000 Leagues under the Sea for it to be a coincidence. I’m just going to put it in to my laptop….and see what comes up. Yes, I’ve been wanting to review this for a while, but I have not gathered the courage, because if it’s as BAD as I think it’s going to be, it will be kind of painful, but some things have to be done.

Now imagine my surprise when a very familiar (and defunct) symbol comes up on the screen: DIC entertainment. Anyone familiar with this will know what I mean; DIC watered many anime down in the late 90’s to make them more ‘child-friendly.’ Wait no, it was the Cloverway Dub of Sailor Moon that did that, not DIC, but still DIC is notorious for poor programming. And since it made that godawful Sailor Moon dub…oh boy, we’re in for a treat, aren’t we? Well, let’s see what there is to watch.

The episode ran about approximately 24 minutes. Okay, I am just going to say this won’t be like an ordinary review, but rather more like a Nostalgia Critic-esque review, so I shall split up the text bits and the dialogue/aka my reactions to watching it. I hope you enjoy this.

(sees DIC symbol)
Me:Okay, I remember this! This is what I saw after watching any Sailor Moon episode. Uh, here’s the main menu…..let’s select an episode. And it’s green like a movie screen. How creative.

The opening itself is rather jarring for the fact that it consists of RAPPING MARIO brothers in poorly designed costumes singing a terrible song that haunts my nightmares to this day (it’s worse than the 4kids One Piece rap, yes there is  rap that’s much worse than that. Allow me to send you a link to this abomination….)

Rap plays: Mario brothers, come into the game (other hellish noises)
Me: Oh god….

So apparently, the Mario brothers are sucked into other dimensions via working on a drain that is a ‘warp drain.’ How the hell does that make any ounce of sense? And another thing that boggles the mind: who the hell is King Koopa? Why don’t they just call him Bowser? And furthermore, why is Peach still called Toadstool?

At least they’re true to the video game by including the sound effects from it, that is one thing I’ll give this episode props for. So we open in on scenes of a river and a boat going down it, and a foghorn, and something else equally sad and funny happens: the music loops and then sounds like it’s completely off-key. It must be watched to be believed. Seriously? That music is terrible.

The name of the world they’re in: The River World. :iconfacepalmplz: Really? What a creative name. So we cut in on Koopa and his minion meeting and equally bland, cheesy dialogue ensues. Then we cut in on Mario and Luigi (in terrible disguises) GAMBLING with baddies. And I thought this was a kids’ show.

Also, another thing that’s interesting of note is that Luigi’s voice actor sounds like the late George Carlin, comic genius. Coincidence? Also, what’s even more interesting is that another thing about this is that while Captain Koopa says and does very cliched things, he sometimes has a few funny lines tossed in, like ‘Happy? I don’t say happy on my ship.’ or ‘I’m the villain, you idiot!’

However, a few funny lines in a comedy do not a good show make. So Toad attempts to rescue the princess and instead winds up being tossed in jail alongside Peach. Toad gets a few funny lines like, ‘Who’d you expect, Pee Wee Herman?’, but they’re references to dated shows, that today’s kids will NOT get, you know.

Then the Idiot brothers wind up being caught in the act of cheating and they’re exposed, and the Mario brothers’ answer to everything is running away. To be honest, everything is rather disjointed. What’s going on? How did they wind up here? What are they going to do next? How on earth did they get here? There’s no explanation given, I mean….so I discovered that this isn’t the first disc I’m watching, so what episode is this? Am I missing something here? You know, if I’m asking these sorts of questions, you can already tell that there’s something wrong here.

At least in a video game, you’re just told what to do and you take it from there, but a cartoon is a whole new ball field, because it’s animated, and you’re supposed to tell a story with it; if you’re just tossing in random crap, how is anyone going to know what’s going on, huh? Even little kids need something that tells a story. Even Dora the Explorer tells more of a story than this. Okay, perhaps comparing it to that is an insult. Maybe MLP tells more of a better story, and that’s….ugh….

Mark Twain is the river captain, but how many kids are going to get that joke? Points for history, and for some creative things. Koopa is bragging and he’s interrupted by Mark Twain and Mario and Luigi. Also, Mark Twain looks just like Mario with the same eye color and mustache! I must say, I’m really impressed by the animation in this. I really, really am. Amazing.

So anyway, Koopa threatens our heroes with an evil Ba-bomb from the game and it creates a whirlpool, and it almost sucks our heroes in completely. They always shout annoying things. So our heroes ask for help, and here comes a part that will have you twitching and saying “WHY?’

Apparently, there’s a ‘mouth of the river’ that knows how to help them. So the word of mouth is literal. So they meet the ‘mouth of the river’ who says, ‘I’m the fastest mouth in the south, and my advice is nice!’ Oh god no……

Why? Because she is a stereotypical fortune teller that has to be Romanian and mythical. Why, why is she such an ethnic stereotype? Fortune-telling, oh noooo? I thought we got past this old stereotype of Romanians years ago……this is so racist….it’s so painful….

How can you be so ignorant and still make a children’s show? Because children are going to grow up watching that and think it’s okay (which it’s not.) When will this episode become anything more than mindless children’s drivel?

The one thing she gives them are a pair of magic doodads (I’M NOT KIDDING, THEY SAID IT IN THE SHOW ITSELF!) :iconlolwatplz: and they turn their outfits white. What does that mean? What does it mean when their clothes go white? EXPLAIN! WHAT THE HECK DOES IT MEAN?

So our heroes come to the aid of Peach and Toad through magic clothes-changing powers. And, also, all Peach does is cry Mario’s name. When did Peach become such a useless-oh wait a second, Princess Peach has ALWAYS been a damsel in distress. She exists for that reason.

Then Koopa is lifted up by Mario and Luigi and it looks like their hands go in rather….unmentionable places….so wrong. Then their doodads disappear and Koopa has full control again, and decides to kill them.

Then they wind up beating the crap out of Bowser and conveniently knock him in a sand bank while they laugh obnoxiously at him. And they have a toast with root beer. The annoying thing is the character (the woman) again has to serve catfish pizza, yet another unflattering and disgusting stereotype of African-Americans in general.

That was actually….a little funny. Ending comes on with awful dance and singing.

Me: Uh…I have no words…to convey…just how mind-numbingly awful that was…I’m literally without words….oh my god….oh boy….this was made in 1989.

Even the DVD is remotely outdated. And the Legend of Zelda sneak-peek was equally bland and uninteresting. However, Link’s excuse me, princess made me laugh. Has anyone ever noticed anything with Link talking is bad? There’s a reason why he’s silent.

The only thing that looked remotely interesting was Sonic Underground, which I will review separately. Sonic Underground is very 80’s-influenced, no doubt about that. It looks very anime influenced. It’s DYSTOPIAN FICTION. Wow….

Okay, I guess that’s all I have to say, as far as animation goes, it’s good by 80’s standards, as far as anything objectionable for children, I would say it’s the LARGE AMOUNT OF STUPIDITY! Um, the story? What story? There wasn’t much of one. There were a few scatter shot jokes that were funny at times. I laughed a few times, but not very much.

Okay, so…anyway, the show, I guess it has a bit of following (because it’s so bad it’s good, TV Troper here) but the racism in it…oh boy, it’s just very badly designed. And they used copyrighted music in the show, which apparently was MORE hair-raising to the copyright producers than the rampant stereotypes in the show.

But you know, I suppose all that can be said about….this…thing, this show…is so terrible….I think maybe even the Legend of Zelda CDI surpasses it…because at least it tried to tell a bit of a story. I mean, it was awful, but at least Zelda did something in it. This one? What’s the point of changing the universes every time? It makes no sense and is highly confusing. I make sure  my crossover fanfictions make sense, but this…makes no goddamned sense.

And even for little kids, it’s bad. And the ethnic stereotypes….are even worse…what do I give it, out of 10? You know what, there should be a line beyond 0 for this…..I’ll give it a minus 50 out of 100, because it was just that stupid, I felt my IQ drop several thousand feet upon watching this. Ugh, what can I say? I guess this is probably the first and only review I’ll do of this, unless it’s popular. Next up is the review of Sonic Underground.

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